While I got sometime to reflect back on this year, I remembered how I was lying on the last new year’s evening or probably mid night with this void inside me, So huge and profound that everybody’s bliss was blur infront of my eyes. It had lost it’s meaning. I could not relate to these people who were so happy and gratified with life. I just wasn’t able to understand. Probably there was so much missing inside of me. I was both in need of it and totally refusive of the fact that I did. And what did I need? That too was a question.
Life is unforgiving and rough and it is full of tests after tests. It will mock you down when you want to rise the most. It will tear you apart in shreds and often make you question your own worth. but life is also beautiful and worthy. It will make you fall but then show you a staircase, the one which could only be climbed by those having the courage to have fallen in the first place.
See, thats about it, all the better things in life will need you bruised and battered.
Each of these two seemingly opposite phenomenas work simultaneously, when you fail its actually preparing you to win, and when you break thats because it wants you to put back your pieces and be a better complete version of yourself.
Probably it was one such time of my life when the past 3 years had been the most terrible and all I could crave was escape. But how do you escape when the only turmoil you’re facing is your own self? How do you fight your own self who is being the reason of your suffering. When the cycle of all the pain and loss leads back to only you.
Thats when I realized if this exact thing is causing me pain, here is where the problem lies! this is what needs to treated. I needed to accept and embrace the fact that it was more crucial for me to embrace myself and accept my flaws, mistakes and weaknesses rather than wanting to escape it. The void inside me was my very own absense. I had gone out way long ago for others and I had lost my way back, I just needed to return. To find home in myself, refuge in my own strengths and to heal my self and fill the emptiness. I realized I didn’t need people but myself to be there for me.
That was probably the pivoting and the most influential part of my life because after that who left and who came didn’t matter. Who loved me and who didn’t, stopped bothering me.
My failures stopped embarrassing me and my flaws were no more flaws because I either began to embrace them or improve them.
Each day became a quest for becoming better, without hating myself for who I already was. Each step became a step I wanted to take for me. It wasn’t forced and it wasn’t the outcome of any societal pressures. Last year was magic, it changed the course of my entire life. It built me, it healed me and it strengthened me. It gave me that beautiful notion of being so emotionally self sufficient and the insight which was directed not only towards the world but towards me too.
I learned, If there was anyone who can fill you and complete you the most, it is only you. You alone posses that power and I think its just pure magic.
To discover that and be able to embrace it. I think, that brought about the whole difference. This new year I made a resolution of discovering more of that magic, this year I made a resolution of loving myself even more.